Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
