by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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