I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
