Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
