Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
