i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
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I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
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And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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