how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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