The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
