it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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