You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
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