My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
