Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
