i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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