Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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