She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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