If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
