The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
