Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
