There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
