EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
