I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
