your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
