so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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