She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
