His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
