Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm bleeding and have questions
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
