She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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