When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
