Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
