On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
the condom got lost in my hair
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
