my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
So much rum. So many feels.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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