Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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