Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
