Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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