yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
