this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
