Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
