Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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