When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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