he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
