how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
