I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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