I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
