Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
