Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I fill condoms, not promises.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
