Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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