So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
