My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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