I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
