My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
