I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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