Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
