i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
