I'm going to jail i love you
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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