im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
