thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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