so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
