dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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