If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize