Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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