took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
