this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
