her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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